Don’t Be a Cork Dork! Life’s Too Short

© Larry Davidson 2007 All rights reserved!
Warning: Rant ahead…

This is you: you love to collect wine. You spend a lot of time tracking those expensive and rare gems down and now that you’ve got them by hook and crook, by time and money, you’ll be damned if that bottle is going anywhere. Yet you’ve bragged to your friends what you got and shown those ultra-special bottles of wine to only a select few inner-circle confidants that you think are worthy. At least once a month you wonder "when am I going to open that? I need a special occasion to drink it."

True story: a woman talked with me one day about a bottle of old, very rare and expensive Spanish wine that she had just acquired. It was the typical bragging conversation full of details about how she came by the bottle, its provenance and whatnot. I asked when she was going to drink it, knowing full well what the answer was going to be - to which she replied "I’m waiting for just the right moment." Two days later she was dead of a massive brain hemorrhage. Oops!

This Cork Dork problem goes to the extreme when I hear it’s a really old bottle of something that is well past its prime. You waited too long and now that special bottle isn’t even good for cooking. What a waste! You are what I call Cork Dorks! The only out you’ve got is if the wine truly isn’t ready and needs time to come into its own – but that’s not what I’m talking about here.

I can’t tell you all how many times someone like that unfortunate woman would come to me and say something like "I have a couple of bottles of 1961 xyz" with a big conspiratorial smile on their face. Next up are the usual passive-aggressive semi-probing comments like "When the hell should I drink one?" or "who do YOU drink something like that with?" or "what would serve this with?" But none of these probes is genuine because I know you’re not going to drink it. It’s like the millionaire who won’t take his Ferrari out of the garage – just goes and polishes it every Sunday.

Now I know firsthand how hard and expensive it was to obtain such a bottle or bottles of wine. I’ve been there many times myself both professionally and privately. I know how incredible it’s supposed to be. I also know it’s just frigging grape juice, and that is what separates those who live in fear to those who don’t. Seize the day! Carpe Diem!

As a collector myself I know first hand how gratifying it is to track down something highly sought after – after all, it’s a part of the "collector" psyche – coveting something rare and supposedly wonderful, the hunt, the acquisition, and then the hoarding; it is all part of the game. The worst aspect of being a collector of anything is the hoarding – the psychological phase that occurs after the acquisition. This applies to wine in ways that are a little more extreme than collecting other items of desire. After all, you’ve spent all that time and money on those trophies and if you drink it/them, - unlike other types of things collected which can be enjoyed repeatedly, once a wine is opened and drank, it is gone – except for the memory.

That brings me to one extraordinary thing that I love about collecting and drinking wine: the memory of the nuances of a wine drank – one that is worthy of collecting – is what this is all about. After all – that bottle of Cristal Champagne you dropped $300 for is exactly the same thing as that bottle of Korbel sparkling wine sitting on the bottom shelf of your local stop-and-rob – UNTIL you pop the cork and drink the damned thing. It is the sensory thrill of the nose and taste of great wines which is what this is all about. If you’re not willing to pop the cork, don’t collect wine – take up antiques, or art, cars, Barbie dolls, or something that you can enjoy over and over again – but don’t be a cork dork!

So the answer is: It’s Thursday night and the week has been hell but you soldiered through and Friday is going to be a breeze then it’s weekend time. There are people around – your loving family or some really good friends to pass another day that you’re miraculously alive on this beautiful little planet. Hell – ok – in reality you’re a jerk – no one likes you and your family ranks you with cyanide and DDT: NOW is the time to open that bottle. What it’s for is DRINKING and enjoying the message that the vigneron sent out into the world the moment the bottle left the winery.

So get over it - knock it off! Wine is fermented grape juice and that’s it. Granted some are better than others and yet, what it all comes down to is that you have the fermented juice of grapes in a glass bottle with a label glued to it. Period. The real lesson in all of this is if you drink that bottle, it opens up a place in your collection for another search and destroy mission: enjoy the hunt, but leave the hoarding to the scared masses who are unwilling to let go and enjoy the fruits of their collecting labors.

Cheers and good drinking…Larry the Sommelier